What is it with human nature that we admire what we don't have ourselves rather than what we could have, and most importantly why not admire the proper effort people make to reach something rather than judging them on merely the end result?
The first signs of human behavior acting opposite to what it is, is denial. No denying that. Simply the fact of our denial of our selfish nature proves just near perfectly how we are in fact selfish creatures by nature. Alas, no denying that. Not today, nor tomorrow, not any day.
An excellent example of our selfishness is in relationships with other human beings. We demand, yet we do not give. We ask for things, yet we do not take responsibility for things. We do nothing to deserve things, yet we receive all kinds of things. It is way easier to blame others. It is way easier to rely on others. But the complexity in this is that what is way easier is to be responsible for ourselves than to be responsible for others. But why can we not just cherish what we have already got? In relationships we might at first fool others, as well as ourselves by creating a perfect outer image of ourselves, by hiding our imperfections, shadows of the past, and our darkest desires. Simply we show the world and people the side of us that they expect to see. Friendly advice: you have to get past this habit immediately, unless you want to be dependent on others, be it consciously or unconsciously, and stuck forever tied to your selfish nature as a human being.
In the most intimate relationships, we may at first seem the loveliest, the most gentle person our partner could ever have imagined. But as the relationship progresses, we slowly start to reveal signs of jealousy, aggressiveness, our ambivalent nature and our tendency to one of the extremes of blaming others for our own deeds and mistakes, or being dangerously self-critical of ourselves. This can end in threefold of ways: firstly, you may not accept these new details and truth surrounding your partner and therefore slowly grow apart from your partner. Secondly, you may accept the imperfections of your partner, but in doing so you keep hiding behind your partners shell and keep your own imperfections hidden and keep pretending with your perfect cover image. Thirdly, the most ideal consequence, is that your partners revelation encourages you to show your partner even your darkest desires, your hurtful past or other imperfections. In doing so, however, you risk turning the tides and are relying on the fact that your partner does not reject the "new you". He might feel you coming off to strong, or unemotional about his/her revelations, or just does not know how to react to this surprising turns of events.
When a breakup hits you, even after you have overcome the "revelation phase" you may grow back to the closed and perfected image of yourself around others and the selfish tendency by blaming your ex of the breakup, or more conveniently feel envy when he/she gets into a new relationship, or even worse direct the blame on yourself, list it as just one more failure to your dozens by now, and fall yet again into the circle of depression.
The wonder in it all is that we will eventually overcome anything, the time is the real issue. Paradoxically there is no way to totally avoid selfish behavior like envy of what others have, but we can learn to avoid total destruction and disaster by learning of our nature to do certain things, including our selfish nature.
Olivia Rodrigo's song Happier is a brilliant example of the human nature regarding selfishness. This is a song I have truly grown to love with time, even though I have a tendency to dislike contemporary music. I guess the human imperfections and admitting them is what really gets our attention, and even the attention of my peculiar music taste. The lyrics are in no way discreet and reveal adamantly the reality that we can be happy for others (or act like we are), but not when they are happier than us (or happier than with us).
The lyrics of the Refrain of Happier goes as following:
I hope you're happy, but not like how you were with me
I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go
So find someone great but don't find no one better
I hope you're happy, but don't be happier
Music is a perfect tool for us to find and shape our own true identity. Listen to music, make inquiries into the instrumental structures as well as the lyrics that form the song, but by doing this keep noticing your trend to favor what is "accepted" and popular. And steer away from this. The first sign of this is views. When listening to music on Spotify or Youtube or other apps we tend to look at how many views a song or an artist has and use it falsely as a validating indicator on how "good" the music is. What is popular does not equal what we define as good. Popularity indicates what is accepted or liked in a group, association or generation, or globally, but not what is objectively true. More extremely one could point out that what Science and Research truly indicates is what the result of empirical inquires say, not what we too often accept as the universal truth. The observation that in a sample of thousand oranges all are of the color orange does not in any way mean that the fact is that all oranges are the color orange. The laboratory tests that a dozen chimpanzees are immune to a deadly virus does not mean that every chimpanzee must be immune. However, this is a dark path, a road nobody desires to take for the time being, that is to criticize science, to declare oneself as the savior and protectorate of truth and the main adversary and enemy of the state of science.
I know my friend or foe that learning more about ourselves, our own subjectivity, and identity is never easy, and when it is at the cost of our group identity, culture or dear friends and relatives. In truth there is no guarantee of success or guarantee that you won't be rejected by your previous associates with your new identity. Obviously in this case you are allowed to lie a bit and revealing and finding your identity does not have to mean changing your appearance from a prom queen to a punk fanatic. But I guess, whatever makes you happy. That's the line to keep in mind: what makes you happy. Not your best friend. Nor your parents. Nor your boyfriend, or girlfriend. Nor your colleagues or superiors. Nor your idols. And definitely not God.
Let these final words sunk in to your wildest thoughts, dreams and imagination, and to enlighten you, and to show you this demanding task you have at your hands, to free yourself of the dependency of others and to positively use your selfishness to both your own advantage as well as others:
Nervous wreck you may have been. So was I and everyone else. Mad at the world you may have been. That is in no way unique. Let the mistakes enrich and develop you for the better, for everyone to cherish. Simply be yourself, but in so keep in mind even the whitest lie to yourself is a looming disaster. We humans can do truly horrid things to one another, but at the end of the day, nothing is more hurtful than what we do in deceiving ourselves. Be it by lie of our nature, denial of the meaningless life, by hiding our true-self, by acting against our will or by working to the brink of collapse; all in vain, meanwhile we could have just asked ourselves: why do we have to do this, when we could have instead done this.
When we leave this life behind would it not be the ultimate dream to only regret what we have not done in our lifetime, rather than feel mislead, regretting and need of escape from the reality we have shaped.
That is, it: a short story or essay on our selfish nature. Dear reader, I hope you can learn something valuable. Don't suck every word and detail, rather choose wisely and embrace your own nature. They say that at the end of the day we are the best teacher for ourselves.
Don't mind me. Comments and critique are always welcome. In a sensible manner, of course. Never doubt two things; firstly, that I'll be back writing and secondly yourself.
- Oliver Kuivasto, O.K
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